This Is My Life
I’ve had a really hard time writing this post. Not because I haven’t tried, oh I’ve tried, it just never felt like I did the events that happened to me this week justice.
I have had a weird week.
I’ve finally reached this conclusion: I am much better at writing about and embellishing mundane things to sound funny, than I am at taking actually funny things that happen to me and making them entertaining to read.
Because I have been told that I need to write these stories, as they somehow only happen to me, I’m going to just get them in print and send them off into my little corner of the internet. I hope that even though I’m not writing about them in my usual sarcastic and petulant tone, you still grasp the weirdness that was my week.
Last Sunday my co-worker Marissa and I went shopping. This is why I wanted a job so badly, so that I could make a new friend to go shopping with.
After a long day of trolling the mall, we decided to have lunch at the Olive Garden. Confession: I love chain restaurants. Ruby Tuesday’s, TGI Friday’s, Red Lobster…I just can’t help myself! If I can get the same dish here as I can in Florida as I can in Massachusetts, it just makes my belly happy.
Anyhow, we both ordered the unlimited soup and got down to girl talk. I was impressed with how attentive and friendly our waiter was and enjoyed chatting with him as well. It wasn’t until the end of the meal that my friend commented on the fact that she was still hungry and had not been offered any more soup.
Turns out the waiter was being purposely attentive to me, as I got this with my bill:
Marissa is still waiting for a refill on her soup.
Wednesday night I was hanging around our local college town when I ran into this guy.
I immediately sent the picture to my friends and my favorite response was from my sister. “Oh god Brandy, who are you dating now?”
(For those of you who crawl under rocks on Thursday nights, this is Craig Robinson, also known as Darryl, from The Office.)
I happened to have a copy of Mindy Kalings new book with me, (Kelly from The Office) and he took a picture of me and the book and sent it to her! And I just realized that I forgot to tell him how much I love Toby!! Damn. Hey Mindy…send my picture to Toby…tell him to call me!! I have our wedding colors picked out!!
Wait…don’t tell him about the wedding colors thing. I’ll tell him.
Friday morning a guy I met twice wrote a poem for me. Or not. There has been some debate about it. The running theory is that the poem was originally written for an ex as a “let’s get back together” poem and is now being given to me as a “please date me” poem. Nobody has written anything for me since Patrick Swayze wrote “She’s Like The Wind” for me when I was 3.
Yes that song was for me, who else would it be for?
To round out a crazy week I went with my big sister to see a crazy movie. That’s right, I saw the new Twilight movie. It’s horrible and amazing all at the same time. One of the highlights is when Bella announced the name of the baby, Renesmee, and a guy in the theater with us shouts out “Renesmee?!”
I’m with you dude. Horrible name.
The other highlight was when my sister cried at the wedding scene. Laughing at her for crying at a Twilight movie is probably the hardest I’ve laughed all week.
…and with the week I’ve had, that’s really saying something.
Not a Winning Formula
If this holiday movie with a million actors crashed….
What makes you think this will be any better?
Bonus points if you spot the actors that overlap. Have a great week everybody!
Happy Halloween!
Happy Halloween gang!
I have to tell you, I’m super excited to share today’s blog post with you. There is a lot to cover so let’s get right into it…
First of all, Halloween. I hope everybody had a great weekend. I really, really love this time of year. Cold weather, (snow!!) hot hazelnut mocha’s…it was a perfect weekend.
For my costume I tried to be funny this year. Remember that Olivia doll I mentioned months ago? The creepy one that my sister and I hide in attempt to scare each other?
Well she’s gotten even creepier…she lost an arm somehow in the past few months.
And I went as her for Halloween. I think that a person dressed up as an Olivia doll is even creepier than the actual Olivia doll.
Pictures exist, but I’m not sharing them. You might be able to bribe my sister for one though…she likes blueberry muffins and decaffeinated white mocha’s with caramel on top.
I had a lot of fun people watching as well, adults seem to put more work into their costumes than children do. Adult Halloween costumes typcially come in 4 basic categories. Let’s explore:
Funny – Blue Man Group costume has been done well. Political figures are always good for a laugh and this guy was very creative:
He’s Angelina Jolie’s baby.
Gross: The blood, the gore, the penises sticking out of your shorts. Put that stuff away! Scaring people is one thing, scarring them is another.
Sexy: Most girls strive for sexy. I get it, it’s the one day of the year that you can wear something a little risque and not feel like you need to apologize for it. Just be careful though, you are one inch of skin away from being…
Slutty: What is with the girls in slutty costumes? Is it fun to parade yourself mostly naked in public? Are you really in need of that much attention? You know, there are places that will actually pay you parade around half naked all year long. Just sayin’.
I also wanted to be the first to share with you that Kim Kardashian is filling for divorce today. At first I was devastated! The time, energy and attention I put into that wedding this summer is just disgusting.
After I thought about it though…I’m super excited! Why?? Because “Kim and Kourtney take New York” was filmed directly after the wedding. The show premiered in November and we are going to get to watch the whole train wreck go down!
Really though…that’s what you get for marrying a guy with the same name as your mom. If I ever decide to marry a guy named Brenda, remind me of how it can only end badly.
I have a sneaky suspicion that not many of my readers are Kardashian followers, but fear not! If anything noteworthy happens I’ll be sure to fill you in right here.
What was the best costume you saw this Halloween? Did it fall into any of these categories?
In Your Face
The Kardashian’s: Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Rob, Kendall, Kylie
Why you’re there: You just realized that 1% of the population controls 17% of the nation’s wealth and you’re pissed off about it.
Brandy for President 2012
…currently accepting applications for running mates. I’d prefer somebody who is a pacifist, an idealist and a watcher of E!
Well This Is Disappointing
If you asked me to name my idols, Cathy Mitchell would come second only to Lucille Ball.
I was first introduced to Cathy as a young girl when she was advertising a product called microcrisp. Microcrisp was a weird wax/foil hybrid that you could use to brown food in your microwave. I, of course, begged my grandmother to order it for me and spent the next two months making apple turnovers in my microwave for anybody who came to visit.
I think that these apple turnovers tasted awesome, but I was also 6 when I became master of the microwave and would love to hear from friends and family who had to actually choke down turnover after turnover.
My infomercial purchases have been varied since then. I have bump-its – which do give my hair an awesome voluminous quality, a snuggie, a magic bullet, an ab rocket (oh yeah), Bendaroos (purchased as a gift), bottletops, a chia pet…probably countless others. Informercial products are like tattoos or potato chips, you can’t stop at one.
So yesterday when I was watching tv and saw this:
I was shocked that nobody had told me about it yet!
One more thing to add to the Christmas list.
On the bright side, I start working Monday. Maybe I can get a pair (or 3) for myself.
This is gross, right?
Ok people – I complain about advertising a lot. For instance, this commercial:
Why does this couple never have toilet paper in the bathroom where it belongs?
Why does the guy not get his own damn toilet paper?
Why is his wife always in the room where the toilet paper is?
I spend so much time thinking about how much I would make fun of this couple if I knew them in real life, that I don’t even know what brand of toilet paper is being advertised because I’m not paying attention.
Tonight I saw a commercial that took dumb advertising to a whole new level. I would link to the commercial here, but apparently it’s too new and not on youtube.com yet. I’ll just go ahead and paraphrase it for you:
The real Wendy comes on and tells the people in tv-land how nice it was of her dad to name his restaurant after her. (I agree. Dave Thomas seems like a pretty nice guy.) Then it gets weird. Wendy goes on to say that in honor of her dad…she is going to name a new burger after him. (Awesome, I’m all about honoring your late parents.)
Want to guess what she named the new burger? Don’t. I’ll just tell you:
Dave’s Hot ‘n Juicy
Blech.
This is me, not surprised.
So here’s the deal…
Last month I told everybody here that I was voting for Kristen Cavallari on Dancing with the Stars because I was responsible for her broken engagement.
Do you think I’m going to keep voting for you when your tool of an ex shows up in the audience?
Bye bye Kristen. I’m Team Rob now. I like watching his sisters tweet about it and am looking forward to seeing my twitter feed explode into confetti when he wins.
Oh…and Kristen? I’m going to need my red dress back. Thanks.
My First Top 10 List
Lately there have been a few people stepping out of their comfort zone in the news: Lady Gaga became Joe Calderone and starting belting out ballads. (Not a total shocker, she plays a dude pretty well.)
Seth McFarlane released an album this week. (He is the creator of Family Guy.)
I thought this was a pretty unexpected crossover. Cartoonist turned crooner.
Lady Gaga and Seth McFarlane inspired me. If these two can stretch the boundaries of their talents, why can’t other people in the public eye do something a little daring and shock us all?
I’m hoping this list will encourage some more celebs to break out of their mold and make watching E! News a little more interesting.
Here is my list of the Top 10 Unexpected Crossovers That Haven’t Happened …Yet:
1 Fran Drescher becoming a singer
2 Charlie Sheen writing a children’s book (He has some good material though: Wizard the Winning Tiger just might be a best-seller.)
3 Ryan Seacrest becoming underexposed (You don’t often hear people say, “Hey, what happened to that Ryan Seacrest guy?”)
4 Jillian Michaels becoming a contestant on The Biggest Loser
5 Kevin Federline becoming a Trojan spokesperson (Who knew he would be so fertile?)
6 Hugh Hefner becoming a one woman man
7 Fox News leaning a little to the left
8 Carlos Mencia becoming funny
9 Snooki becoming pale
10 Long John Silver’s becoming tasty
Your turn – what is a crossover that would surprise you?
National Coffee Day
Happy National Coffee Day my friends!
I wish I could tell you that I spent today having multiple coffee dates, sipping on a white mocha and discussing whether or not Jessica Simpson is preggo. (Do you think she’d stick to those insane stillettos for the whole pregnancy?)
Unfortunately I have been in bed all day, sick, and craving a chocolate milkshake.
Good Thing Aaron Rodgers Is From California
I love fall!
The season is finally here, although you wouldn’t know it by the crazy 80 degree weather today.
(Tiny picture from cell phone. The pumpkin on my left will be carved up into something awesome in a few weeks. Stay tuned.)
Tonight I was listening to my mom and my aunt discuss small town gossip. Nothing worth sharing here…but they threw out a lot of names.
“Remember when our cousin Billy, ya know, the one that married Susie Smith before she became Susie Johnson and then got a divorce and married Ed Whosawhatsit? Yeah, that Billy. Well he had a son 40 years ago with his first wife Jennifer who has 4 kids from her first husband Hughie who later married the local shopkeepers mom.”
That’s seriously how the conversation went. I realized 2 things during this chat:
1. My extended family may be solely resposible for the insanely high divorce rate.
2. I can never, ever, ever date somebody within a 40 mile radius from this town. I am almost 100% certain that I am in some way genetically related to every male who lives in this county.
At Least It’s Not Sponge Bob
Before I go into tonight’s post, I just want to remind you all of something:
You will forget that Facebook changed their layout by this time next week. It’s totally fine. No need to keep bombarding me with your Google+ invitations because I’m pretty sure we all collectively decided to ignore Google+ months ago.
I also wanted to say, Happy First Day of Fall! Let the pumpkin latte drinking, mitten wearing, scarf wearing and Halloween costume shopping begin.
Naturally now that it’s fall, I’m making my Christmas list. If any of you happen to be a secret Santa of mine, let me offer a suggestion: this.
Tonight, I’m going to leave you with a thought on children’s television.
TV has arguably become more educational and nurturing since the days of Doug, Ren and Stimpy and Rocko’s Modern Life. But what are these shows preparing our youth for?
While watching Backyardigans with my niece today, I noticed a strange theme in the episode. The female characters (Tasha and Uniqua), were living in a volcano and demanding that the male characters (Pablo, Austin and Tyrone) bring them what they want.
What did they want? They wouldn’t tell the guys!
Instead of standing up to these demanding women, the guys scrambled to offer up the biggest and best gifts they could find.
In the end all the girls wanted was to be invited to the luau happening in the village.
Read: The girls just wanted a little attention.
Did the girls just ask for attention? Nope. They sat on a volcano, threatened to make the volcano erupt if the guys didn’t read their mind.
Gee. That doesn’t sound familiar to me at all.
(Thanks to a friend from Philly for showing me those handsome shirts, as well as helping me come up with the names of the best tv shows the 90’s had to offer.)
I Wish I Had Your Sense Of Entitlement
Al Gore announced today that the iPhone 5 will be released in October.
‘Cause…you know…he works for Apple and all.
If you like LGAC on Facebook, you will get awesome tidbits like this all. the. time.
So… I’ll Never Be A Journalist
I know I was going to post this a few nights ago. I know that you all have been waiting on pins and needles to hear what I have to say about Fantasy Football drafts, first dates and whatever else I was writing about this weekend. Sorry to make you wait, but sometimes life happens.
Life happened in a very big way last night…
For the first time in years I watched the VMA’s.
Bye bye Sunday night. Helllooooo Joe Calderone.
Oh. Oh that’s Lady Gaga? Whoops. I don’t get it. Is she dressed up as Ponyboy for Halloween?
So some other things that caught my attention during the show…why does MTV host an award show for movies and music videos? They show almost none of either.
Also, I stick by my observation that the cast of Jersey Shore is all genius. A lot of people can get drunk at a beach house. I don’t think there are a lot of people in this world that can make really lucrative careers out of it.
The Biebs should wear glasses always.
I’m really glad Adele won, but also wish she would release a really happy song. Maybe one about cats. Or sprinkles. Actually, not sprinkles. My niece always orders sprinkles on her ice cream and it looks like a bowl full of fun. I tried it the last time we got ice cream, it tasted like a bowl full of plastic.
If I were a journalist I would surely be fired. I’m pretty sure I’m the last blogger left to comment on the VMA’s.
Other highlights from my Sunday included my very first Fantasy Football draft. I’ve divided the people who comment on my draft picks into two groups: impressed and jealous.
The truth is that I went into the draft pretty blindly. Every time I tried to research it, I got lost in a sea of numbers and names and faces and couldn’t come up with a very solid plan of attack. I think the most I learned in all of my research was that Aaron Rodgers has a mustache.
Aaron…Darling…One Jeff Foxworthy is enough for this world.
Ok everybody, I still have a first date story to possibly share, but honestly it’s starting to feel like a “you had to be there…and have had as much wine to drink as I did” sort of thing. In the meantime, if you like what you read you should click on “comment” and share it with your friends! Or follow me on twitter, @letsgrabacoffee . I’m just as charming in short bursts.
Good night – and congrats to HoJo for putting another bun in the oven! The world will never have enough Callahan babies.
Wait, Why Is This On The News??
TLC has announced today that it will not renewing the show “Kate Plus 8.”
Say whaaat?! 
I’m not surprised the show was canceled; I’m surprised it was still going in the first place. I thought that show died with the Gosselin marriage. I’m sorry but with no mounting tension between parents and the children getting older, what is there to watch?
Just sayin’…
I’m No Cowgirl
My first full day as a Wellsborian again was full of pretty standard Pennsylvania/Upstate New York fare. I find it pretty comforting that I have been away for over a year and a half and things haven’t really changed around here.
The first item on today’s agenda? Why a trip to Dunkin’ Donuts of course! In Massachusetts I couldn’t spit a watermelon seed without hitting a Dunkin’ Donuts. We only have one in this entire county. Because Dunkin’ Donuts apparently has some form of crack-caffeine in their coffee, it tends to be a pretty popular place. I saw no less than 5 people I knew well enough to talk to and probably a dozen more that I could name.
After some unpacking the family decided to go to The Texas Roadhouse to celebrate my birthday. It being my first time at this restaurant, I wasn’t really sure what I was in for. A cozy place for a quiet dinner it is not. When you walk in the door you notice peanut shells everywhere! They decided it is perfectly acceptable to give each table a bucket full of peanuts and let them shell and discard as they wish. People clearly find this to be awesome. I’m just glad I don’t have to clean the floor.
Before any food ever comes you are served hot dinner rolls with cinnamon butter. They are delicious, but I’m not used to having something sweet as the start of my meal. This was definitely the first mistake. After a round of appetizers and a salad, I was full! It was all tasty, but it was a lot of food. Once the entrée came, I had no interest.
As I pushed my food around my plate memories from my childhood started flooding back. Does anybody else remember pushing their vegetables around on their plate to make it seem like you ate some? I don’t know who I was trying to fool. I was concentrating so hard on my food that I didn’t notice the group of employees that had gathered at our table with a saddle. Yes, a saddle.
“Is it your birthday?” Our waitress asked, motioning to the saddle.
Happy Birthday...now hop on!!
No. No it is not my birthday. No promise of cakes or presents was going to get me on that thing. Don’t worry though, they had a plan b. Our waitress grabbed the lamp overhead, shone it on my head and announced to the restaurant that I was there celebrating my birthday, and would they all be kind enough to “Yee-haw?”
Lucky for me, they were.
Let's Grab a Coffee 