I’ve had a really hard time writing this post. Not because I haven’t tried, oh I’ve tried, it just never felt like I did the events that happened to me this week justice.
I have had a weird week.
I’ve finally reached this conclusion: I am much better at writing about and embellishing mundane things to sound funny, than I am at taking actually funny things that happen to me and making them entertaining to read.
Because I have been told that I need to write these stories, as they somehow only happen to me, I’m going to just get them in print and send them off into my little corner of the internet. I hope that even though I’m not writing about them in my usual sarcastic and petulant tone, you still grasp the weirdness that was my week.
Last Sunday my co-worker Marissa and I went shopping. This is why I wanted a job so badly, so that I could make a new friend to go shopping with.
After a long day of trolling the mall, we decided to have lunch at the Olive Garden. Confession: I love chain restaurants. Ruby Tuesday’s, TGI Friday’s, Red Lobster…I just can’t help myself! If I can get the same dish here as I can in Florida as I can in Massachusetts, it just makes my belly happy.
Anyhow, we both ordered the unlimited soup and got down to girl talk. I was impressed with how attentive and friendly our waiter was and enjoyed chatting with him as well. It wasn’t until the end of the meal that my friend commented on the fact that she was still hungry and had not been offered any more soup.
Turns out the waiter was being purposely attentive to me, as I got this with my bill:
Marissa is still waiting for a refill on her soup.
Wednesday night I was hanging around our local college town when I ran into this guy.
I immediately sent the picture to my friends and my favorite response was from my sister. “Oh god Brandy, who are you dating now?”
(For those of you who crawl under rocks on Thursday nights, this is Craig Robinson, also known as Darryl, from The Office.)
I happened to have a copy of Mindy Kalings new book with me, (Kelly from The Office) and he took a picture of me and the book and sent it to her! And I just realized that I forgot to tell him how much I love Toby!! Damn. Hey Mindy…send my picture to Toby…tell him to call me!! I have our wedding colors picked out!!
Wait…don’t tell him about the wedding colors thing. I’ll tell him.
Friday morning a guy I met twice wrote a poem for me. Or not. There has been some debate about it. The running theory is that the poem was originally written for an ex as a “let’s get back together” poem and is now being given to me as a “please date me” poem. Nobody has written anything for me since Patrick Swayze wrote “She’s Like The Wind” for me when I was 3.
Yes that song was for me, who else would it be for?
To round out a crazy week I went with my big sister to see a crazy movie. That’s right, I saw the new Twilight movie. It’s horrible and amazing all at the same time. One of the highlights is when Bella announced the name of the baby, Renesmee, and a guy in the theater with us shouts out “Renesmee?!”
I’m with you dude. Horrible name.
The other highlight was when my sister cried at the wedding scene. Laughing at her for crying at a Twilight movie is probably the hardest I’ve laughed all week.
…and with the week I’ve had, that’s really saying something.
If this holiday movie with a million actors crashed….
What makes you think this will be any better?
Bonus points if you spot the actors that overlap. Have a great week everybody!
Happy Halloween gang!
I have to tell you, I’m super excited to share today’s blog post with you. There is a lot to cover so let’s get right into it…
First of all, Halloween. I hope everybody had a great weekend. I really, really love this time of year. Cold weather, (snow!!) hot hazelnut mocha’s…it was a perfect weekend.
For my costume I tried to be funny this year. Remember that Olivia doll I mentioned months ago? The creepy one that my sister and I hide in attempt to scare each other?
Well she’s gotten even creepier…she lost an arm somehow in the past few months.
And I went as her for Halloween. I think that a person dressed up as an Olivia doll is even creepier than the actual Olivia doll.
Pictures exist, but I’m not sharing them. You might be able to bribe my sister for one though…she likes blueberry muffins and decaffeinated white mocha’s with caramel on top.
I had a lot of fun people watching as well, adults seem to put more work into their costumes than children do. Adult Halloween costumes typcially come in 4 basic categories. Let’s explore:
Funny – Blue Man Group costume has been done well. Political figures are always good for a laugh and this guy was very creative:
Gross: The blood, the gore, the penises sticking out of your shorts. Put that stuff away! Scaring people is one thing, scarring them is another.
Sexy: Most girls strive for sexy. I get it, it’s the one day of the year that you can wear something a little risque and not feel like you need to apologize for it. Just be careful though, you are one inch of skin away from being…
Slutty: What is with the girls in slutty costumes? Is it fun to parade yourself mostly naked in public? Are you really in need of that much attention? You know, there are places that will actually pay you parade around half naked all year long. Just sayin’.
I also wanted to be the first to share with you that Kim Kardashian is filling for divorce today. At first I was devastated! The time, energy and attention I put into that wedding this summer is just disgusting.
After I thought about it though…I’m super excited! Why?? Because “Kim and Kourtney take New York” was filmed directly after the wedding. The show premiered in November and we are going to get to watch the whole train wreck go down!
Really though…that’s what you get for marrying a guy with the same name as your mom. If I ever decide to marry a guy named Brenda, remind me of how it can only end badly.
I have a sneaky suspicion that not many of my readers are Kardashian followers, but fear not! If anything noteworthy happens I’ll be sure to fill you in right here.
What was the best costume you saw this Halloween? Did it fall into any of these categories?
The Kardashian’s: Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Rob, Kendall, Kylie
Why you’re there: You just realized that 1% of the population controls 17% of the nation’s wealth and you’re pissed off about it.
Brandy for President 2012
…currently accepting applications for running mates. I’d prefer somebody who is a pacifist, an idealist and a watcher of E!
As with jobs, guys, and clothes…I’m very picky as to who I consider a friend.
Not because I think I’m better than anybody, or because I’m trying to be exclusive, just because I like to surround myself with good people.
That being said, when you post your 1,000th Facebook status about how you are against child abuse or in favor of cancer research, you are telling me something I already know, that you are a good person who cares.
But by implying that if I don’t re-post your poorly written status I should feel guilty for not displaying my love of abused puppies for an hour, well, that’s just rude.
I have a proposal for you all – think about all of the time you spend on Facebook reading and re-posting these messages. What are these messages actually doing? Creating awareness for issues we’re already aware of? I challenge you to take 1/10 of the time you will spend on Facebook next month and do something productive for one of those causes.
Sad about cancer? Contact the American Cancer Society, they have a lot of uses for volunteers.
Want to help those puppies and kitty friends? Talk to an animal sanctuary. They would love your help!
At a loss for how to help your cause? Email me. I’m sure we can come up with something together: email@example.com
But for the love of all that is good in this world, stop with the Facebook statuses!
If you asked me to name my idols, Cathy Mitchell would come second only to Lucille Ball.
I was first introduced to Cathy as a young girl when she was advertising a product called microcrisp. Microcrisp was a weird wax/foil hybrid that you could use to brown food in your microwave. I, of course, begged my grandmother to order it for me and spent the next two months making apple turnovers in my microwave for anybody who came to visit.
I think that these apple turnovers tasted awesome, but I was also 6 when I became master of the microwave and would love to hear from friends and family who had to actually choke down turnover after turnover.
My infomercial purchases have been varied since then. I have bump-its – which do give my hair an awesome voluminous quality, a snuggie, a magic bullet, an ab rocket (oh yeah), Bendaroos (purchased as a gift), bottletops, a chia pet…probably countless others. Informercial products are like tattoos or potato chips, you can’t stop at one.
So yesterday when I was watching tv and saw this: I was shocked that nobody had told me about it yet!
One more thing to add to the Christmas list.
On the bright side, I start working Monday. Maybe I can get a pair (or 3) for myself.
Ok people – I complain about advertising a lot. For instance, this commercial:
Why does this couple never have toilet paper in the bathroom where it belongs?
Why does the guy not get his own damn toilet paper?
Why is his wife always in the room where the toilet paper is?
I spend so much time thinking about how much I would make fun of this couple if I knew them in real life, that I don’t even know what brand of toilet paper is being advertised because I’m not paying attention.
Tonight I saw a commercial that took dumb advertising to a whole new level. I would link to the commercial here, but apparently it’s too new and not on youtube.com yet. I’ll just go ahead and paraphrase it for you:
The real Wendy comes on and tells the people in tv-land how nice it was of her dad to name his restaurant after her. (I agree. Dave Thomas seems like a pretty nice guy.) Then it gets weird. Wendy goes on to say that in honor of her dad…she is going to name a new burger after him. (Awesome, I’m all about honoring your late parents.)
Want to guess what she named the new burger? Don’t. I’ll just tell you:
Dave’s Hot ‘n Juicy