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Grilled Like A Cheeseburger

Kris Humphries is upset that his interview with Good Morning America was centered around his marriage with Kim Kardashian.

Really dude? You thought they asked you on the show so your mom could make cookies?

 

 

I’m Too Cool For This

I would have posted this last night but my wireless internet wasn’t working. The troubleshooting feature on my computer wasn’t much help as it kept suggesting I should plug an ethernet cable in so that I could have internet.
That would give me internet, but I was already in bed and not about to get up and plug my computer in at that time of night. A girl needs her beauty rest…plus Chelsesa Lately was on. I decided to do what I do with most problems and ignore it hoping it would go away. Tonight when I turned the computer back on the internet worked fine. I guess the only lesson I learned in all of this is to keep ignoring my problems and let them fix themselves.
Seems legit.

Anyhow I’m back with another great dating story. I’m also sending a shout-out to all of my readers for their crazy dating stories too. I know that many of you are no longer in the dating world but I think if you could just send along the nutty things that happened to you while single I will feel a lot better about myself.

I went on a date Sunday night. I was feeling especially relaxed and in control for this date because I had played my cards perfectly. The date was with a guy I’ve known for a few months, but he finally asked me out for a proper dinner last week. I didn’t initiate any conversation with him between the time he asked me on the date and the date itself because I think texting guys is stupid and that technology has ruined my generation’s ability to communicate face to face.

When it was time to meet this guy on Sunday I dressed up – but just a little, as not to appear to be trying too hard. (Side note: It takes a lot of effort to look like you put absolutely no effort at all into your looks.) I arrived just on time and he was already there waiting for me. I liked that.

The conversation went well and there were even tentative plans made to meet up again. Things all seemed to be going fine, until the next morning. I sent a polite “Thanks for last night, I had a good time” text. I didn’t hear anything for a few hours but didn’t let it get under my skin because I’m calm and collected and busy enough myself not to be waiting by my phone for a text. (Maybe I was busy texting all my friends about the date…but I was busy nonetheless, don’t judge me.)

A few hours later I received his reply: “ur welcome”

Excuse me?

No – “I had a good time too”?
No – “Thanks for coming”?
You couldn’t even take the time to spell “you’re” out completely?

Fine, fine. It was just one date. Even though I was a little surprised at his lack of reaction, I’m not invested in this guy enough to let it get me down.

Around 9pm last night I got another text from him. When I saw his name I was taken aback, I hadn’t really expected to hear from him again.
I’m sure you all are assuming that he was texting to ask me out again, to elaborate that he had a good time on our date too, maybe even to ask how my night was going. That’s what I was thinking. I was wrong. He wrote this:”want to sleep over?”

Um. No.
Unless your idea of a sleepover involves Olsen Twin movies and staying up chatting all night. If that’s the case, I’ll bring the popcorn.

Ur welcome.

How Not To Parent

My policy is to only give parenting advice when asked. Even though I have a lot of experience teaching children, I’ve yet to join the ranks of those who raise children. With the exception of abuse, they are your kids…raise them however you see fit.

I’m going to break this rule for a minute. Watch this:

Did you see that? Right around the 26 second mark? The kids are fighting and the dad puts on his headphones so he can just tune it out.

Good tactic my friend. I’m sure that, in no way, can turn ugly. Plus the game is on. Priorities. I get it.

I’m also pretty sure there is a joke in the fact that the girl is screaming “ball! ball!” as if she’s trying to get one…but she is holding a ball. I’m too tired to think of something to say about that now though because I’m still recovering from Black Friday.

Giving Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving!

What am I thankful for this year? Lots of things…

  • Cranberry sauce shaped like a can. I’m also thankful for the person who showed me how delicious it is ON your turkey.
  • My sister, who always remembers to carry granola bars in her purse on Black Friday because if I don’t eat enough I get really, really grumpy.
  • My friends, who always let me call them at 2 in the morning when something is going on that I need to tell them right now. 
  • Jesse McCartney. 
  • My blue Old Navy fleece. I swear it gets cozier every time I wear it. It is the ugliest shade of blue you have ever seen.
  • Linsday Lohan. Even when I feel like I’m having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day…I always think of her and remember that it could be worse.

Now get off your computer and go watch that parade!

Also…today is the day to follow me on twitter (@letsgrabacoffee) because tomorrow I will be live tweeting the Black Friday madness all day. If you don’t have twitter, you can like my Let’s Grab A Coffee page on facebook and get in on the action there.

 

This Is My Life

I’ve had a really hard time writing this post. Not because I haven’t tried, oh I’ve tried, it just never felt like I did the events that happened to me this week justice.
I have had a weird week.
I’ve finally reached this conclusion: I am much better at writing about and embellishing mundane things to sound funny, than I am at taking actually funny things that happen to me and making them entertaining to read.

Because I have been told that I need to write these stories, as they somehow only happen to me, I’m going to just get them in print and send them off into my little corner of the internet. I hope that even though I’m not writing about them in my usual sarcastic and petulant tone, you still grasp the weirdness that was my week.

Last Sunday my co-worker Marissa and I went shopping. This is why I wanted a job so badly, so that I could make a new friend to go shopping with.

After a long day of trolling the mall, we decided to have lunch at the Olive Garden. Confession: I love chain restaurants. Ruby Tuesday’s, TGI Friday’s, Red Lobster…I just can’t help myself! If I can get the same dish here as I can in Florida as I can in Massachusetts, it just makes my belly happy.
Anyhow, we both ordered the unlimited soup and got down to girl talk. I was impressed with how attentive and friendly our waiter was and enjoyed chatting with him as well. It wasn’t until the end of the meal that my friend commented on the fact that she was still hungry and had not been offered any more soup.
Turns out the waiter was being purposely attentive to me, as I got this with my bill:

Marissa is still waiting for a refill on her soup.

Wednesday night I was hanging around our local college town when I ran into this guy.

I immediately sent the picture to my friends and my favorite response was from my sister. “Oh god Brandy, who are you dating now?”
(For those of you who crawl under rocks on Thursday nights, this is Craig Robinson, also known as Darryl, from The Office.)
I happened to have a copy of Mindy Kalings new book with me, (Kelly from The Office) and he took a picture of me and the book and sent it to her! And I just realized that I forgot to tell him how much I love Toby!! Damn. Hey Mindy…send my picture to Toby…tell him to call me!! I have our wedding colors picked out!!

Wait…don’t tell him about the wedding colors thing. I’ll tell him.

Friday morning a guy I met twice wrote a poem for me. Or not. There has been some debate about it. The running theory is that the poem was originally written for an ex as a “let’s get back together” poem and is now being given to me as a “please date me” poem. Nobody has written anything for me since Patrick Swayze wrote “She’s Like The Wind” for me when I was 3.
Yes that song was for me, who else would it be for?

To round out a crazy week I went with my big sister to see a crazy movie. That’s right, I saw the new Twilight movie. It’s horrible and amazing all at the same time. One of the highlights is when Bella announced the name of the baby, Renesmee, and a guy in the theater with us shouts out “Renesmee?!”
I’m with you dude. Horrible name.

The other highlight was when my sister cried at the wedding scene. Laughing at her for crying at a Twilight movie is probably the hardest I’ve laughed all week.
…and with the week I’ve had, that’s really saying something.

 

 

 

Not a Winning Formula

If this holiday movie with a million actors crashed….

 

What makes you think this will be any better?

 

 

Bonus points if you spot the actors that overlap. Have a great week everybody!

Today’s Hot List


Hi peeps. As promised, here is a list of all the things I’m excited about this week!

  • Black Friday – It’s almost that time of year where we set our alarm clocks for 3am, sift through a bazillion sales ads and spend 21 hours in a van driving from sale to sale and trying not to kill or be killed in the process. I’ve never been in any real harm on Black Friday though, my sister has razor sharp elbows. She looks like the nice sister…but she’s so not.
  • Words with Friends – I jumped on the iPhone bandwagon last week and am obsessed with this Words with Friends games. For those of you that don’t know, WWF is a scrabble game that can be played on your phone with people you know. Scrabble in real life? Not fun. Scrabble on your phone when you’re waiting to get your hair cut? Good times!! (Also – WWF can also stand for World Wildlife Fund. It used to stand for World Wrestling Federation but I think the endangered pandas beat up Stone Cold Steve Austin and got to keep the acronym. Pretty sure that’s exactly how it happened.)
  • Cake Vodka – I’m not obsessed with it in an “I’m an alcoholic and am crazy about my vodka!” kind of way, just in a “man, this stuff is delicious” kind of way. There’s a difference.
As for big blog news?? I can now share pictures on my blog! It took me so long because I procrastinate sometimes, (all the time) and was too busy (lazy) to get a camera. For your viewing pleasure today, I present: Creepy one-armed Olivia doll.