I’m Getting Good At These
Actual job posting here.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I recently saw your posting on craigslist for a fortune teller. I believe that I would be an asset to your organization as I possess many qualities and talents that you are looking for. Allow me to demonstrate my skills below.
You will need somebody that will know what is going to happen in the future. Sometimes I know what is going to happen in the future. For instance, when Big showed up in the last episode of Sex and the City, I knew Carrie was going to pick him. That Russian artist didn’t ignore her as thoroughly as Big did; Carrie needs a guy who is going to treat her like dirt all the time.
I also knew that Carrie Underwood was going to win her season of American Idol. Call it a gift.
Other times, I wish that something will happen, and then it does. Like when Kristen Cavallari became engaged to Jay Cutler. I was feeling a little bitter that she was able to snag a ring in three months and thought to myself that I hoped the relationship would crash and burn. And then it did!! I feel a little guilty about this one. I’m definitely voting for her on Dancing with the Stars.
Lastly, I’m very creative. If my fortune teller muscle is not working, I can make up something that sounds so believable and is so vague, it has to come true! “A moment in your past is going to become an important part of reaching a goal in the next few months.”
See? Also, I wear lots of black and will be happy to get a killer manicure. (Nails gotta look good when you are waving them around a crystal ball.)
I look forward to hearing from you.
PS – Are you supplying the gold hoop earrings, or am I?